For as long as any of us can remember, there has always been much debate surrounding the topic of to what extent civilians should be able to legally arm themselves. For most, this hot button issue revolves around firearms and the limits, or lack thereof, their ownership. However, this discussion is unimportant to the more creative deviant. I am speaking, of course, about those specially trained civilians who, in a Jason Bourne-esque fashion have the keen ability to turn common household items into deadly weapons. The most experienced of this elite group will tell you that when you are in a situation where a course of violence must be taken, the best thing to be armed with is nothing more than the various sauces found all around your kitchen. In this list, I will be taking you on a journey through the top ten times in our history where sauce has been weaponized. Whether it be for personal gain, defense, or just to add a splash of chaos to the daily routine- all of these individuals have found sauces coming to their aid as they venture into the dangerous world.
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10 Striking with Soy Sauce
Ricky Tong of Heaton Village, UK was minding his own business when all of a sudden, his quiet evening in his corner shop was intruded upon by a would be robber wielding a bottle of soy sauce. The man entered unarmed, and immediately grabbed a bottle of Tong’s own sauce and used it against him like a weapon. It is a scary thought to think of our sauces being used against us, but that is the reality of this scary world we live in. Tong was understandably frightened, but stood his ground as the menacing man threatened him with the popular Asian condiment. Tong said “I was determined to make sure he didn’t get anything, I wasn’t scared at the time. There was only one of him and all he had was a sauce bottle.” The wielder of the sauce, a sixteen year old from a nearby town, faced a trial with an unknown outcome.
9 Lethal Spice
Lethal Spice is not in fact the sixth Spice Girl, it is however referring to a new weapons development in the US Military. The United States Military, in its continual efforts to be the absolute powerhouse of armed forces, has decided to kick things up a notch with the VKS PepperBall Launcher. This non-lethal weapon will essentially launch small, concentrated balls filled with hot sauce at enemies of the state. It is clear the US Military has seen what their civilians are able to accomplish armed only with condiments; understandably, they wanted to see what trained professionals could make happen when loaded up with the same weaponry.
8 Petty Dispute Solved by Sauce
Two roommates at Lakewood University in Illinois were in the heat of an argument when one of them decided to be the victor of said argument and picked up a bottle of hot sauce (the brand of hot sauce has not been disclosed at this time). The fight, which began with one roommate taking all of the lightbulbs from around the living area ended with the other roommate hurling a bottle of hot sauce accompanied by a cast iron skillet at the offending roommate’s door. Sauce again proved to be an effective and useful weapon in this scenario; of course, the cast iron skillet played some role in the conquest- but that is for a different article.
7 It’s Steak Sauce Innit’?
The case of the mysterious brown substance was solved in Northern London by two officers of the London Police who, on one fateful night, decided to investigate an oddly smelling vehicle only to find themselves being rushed to the hospital moments later. The officers approached the car and before they knew it were covered in an “unknown brown substance” and were then taken to the hospital as a precautionary measure. Once at the hospital, a team of medical professionals were able to reason through the powers of deduction that the substance was none other than HP Sauce, a common steak sauce in the UK and the United States. It just goes to show the innovation and average cunningness of the typical Londoner. No arrests were made.
6 Tomatoes of Terror
Things in Oregon have always seemed pretty chill: an excess of natural beauty, the charming streets of Portland, and the many quaint towns all throughout the state. But, as we have seen previously, whenever sauce is brought into the equation, things have the potential to get spicy, and boy did they on one fateful evening in March of 2018 in Coos Bay, Oregon. Lavigne, a stand up citizen, had been out doing meth with some friends and what had been a fun and flirty time with the gals turned ugly when Lavigne arrived home around 3 A.M. to her worried husband. Lavigne’s husband reportedly asked where she had been out so late when he was unexpectedly taken out by a can of flying tomato sauce. Lavigne, clearly a talented and possibly trained individual, knew exactly what would shut him up and couldn’t have hoped for better results. Lavigne’s husband ran to the police, and officers were able to subdue Lavigne shortly after, though I highly doubt they would have been able to if she had stocked up on more ragu.
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At a local Denny’s in the town of Lebanon, New Hampshire, a grillman took vigilante justice into his own hands. The man of action, Michael Towne, a twenty year old at the time decided to fight back against what he thought was unjust police work with the only tools he had at his disposal, a large bottle of Tabasco hot sauce and the officers’ breakfast orders. Towne seems to have been biding his time to make his big move until the perfect opportunity arose. Said opportunity came waltzing into his Denny’s one day in the form of two policemen hungry for some eggs. The officers had no idea what had hit them when they bit into Michael Towne’s specialty that I have titled “Hot Justice”. Both were furious and one officer claimed to have one very bad case of an upset stomach. Towne, who thought he was simply playing a prank, was charged with assault of an officer for giving them food that was too spicy for their tum tums. Luckily, the judge was on the side of Towne and he lives on serving up justice aided by his weapon of choice wherever he feels needed.
4 Spicy Revenge
Adding to the long list of proud moments in Florida’s extensive and checkered history is Esmerelda Lopez and her trusty bottle of hot sauce. One night in Pasco County, Lopez and her husband got into something of a tussle. Esmerelda, being the handy woman she was, turned to her surroundings for something to defend herself and low and behold she found her savior in the form of an open bottle of hot sauce on the counter. Lopez proceeded to strike her husband in the face before “pouring hot sauce” in her husband’s eyes.
3 Boom Boom Sauce
With a name like “Boom Boom Sauce” I don’t know what the popular chain of gas stations Sheetz were expecting, but how they didn’t see something like this coming is beyond me. On a warm July night this past summer, at 1:10 a.m., a motley crew of young boys nicknamed by the media “the sauce tossers” drove up to their soon to be victim, who without a moment to react was assaulted with wave after wave of Sheetz Boom Boom Sauce. It is still unclear where the team got such a large supply of Boom Boom Sauce, but police are looking into it. The Boom Boom Sauce does in fact contain cayenne pepper, leading us to the conclusion that this was not the sauce tossers’ first rodeo- they clearly had some experience in the weaponization of sauce arena and are still at large to this day.
2 Assault with a Deadly Sauce
If you had been living your life up until this moment in blissful ignorance of how potentially dangerous sauce can be, I warn you that our next sauce master was seasoning to kill. At a karaoke night in a local Austin, TX bar, in the summer of 2017, two regulars got into a brawl which was ended by one of the two launching a bottle of the popular Valentina brand hot sauce across the bar. The bottle was thrown by one Elsa Martin Garcia, who has some mighty fine aim by the sound of it. Garcia was later booked for assault with a deadly weapon as the bottle of Valentina broke upon colliding with the other participants head, slicing open their face and filling their wounds with a peppery sauce. Beware who you offend at your local karaoke night, you never know what kinds of sauces the bar might stock.
1 Put Your Hands Where I can See Em’ or I’ll Sauce Ya.
In the small town of Valley, AL a faceful of sauce was the last thing a 73 year old store clerk expected when a one Michael Brisky came into her store asking to buy some candy. Brisky, 42, went up to the register with two pieces of candy to purchase. When the clerk opened the register, Brisky proceeded to throw a cup of hot sauce he had previously prepared for just this situation, in her eyes. Such an abrupt change of pace for the elderly woman getting blasted in the face by copious amounts of hot sauce was clearly more than enough to catch her off guard. In her temporary blindness and confusion, Brisky was able to clean the register of all cash and book it out the door. He was caught some while later, and charged with robbery. It just goes to show you, if you are at all talented in the ancient art of sauce defense- use your gift for good, help others and spread your knowledge.
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About the author: My name is Lane Griffiths. I am an aspiring creative working in New York trying to get my life started during these weird times, check out more of my work on my instagram page.–@luan.griffiths